Family

Son: Dad, can I ask you a question?

Father: Fire away, son.

Son: You really like Mom, right?

Father: Of course I do. You really had to ask that question?

Son: Well…

Father: What’s on your mind, T?

Son: Well I don’t want to see mom get upset. Especially since its her birthday. 

Father: Ok, I know that. 

Son: And I heard what you said about her gift. 

Father: What did I say?

Son: You said that Mom— I’m gonna swear

Father: Fine.

Son: You said Mom would lose her shit when she saw the gift. I don’t want her to get upset and lose her shit. 

Father: No, I meant it as an excited kind of reaction. 

Son: But…

Father: You know, like really surprised by the gift? Not that Mom would get angry. 

Son: You told neighbor Mark that when Mel came home drunk that night Mom lost her shit. Wasn’t she angry?

Father: Oh, your mother was beyond angry that night. 

Son: I’m confused. Is losing your shit bad?

Father: It can mean both things. Like yeah, if you are mad you can lose your…stuff, but you can also be so happy and excited that you lose it too. There’s a lot of words that mean multiple things. 

Son: Other swear words?

Father: …go away, T.

 

 

 

​

​

​

​

​

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mother: Thomas! Stop procrastinating, it’s your turn.

Daughter: He’s nervous cause him and dad are bout to lose. 

Son: Was there any diary in my dinner tonight?

Mother: Dairy? Yes, of course, cheese. You love cheese.

Son: Ok, just checking. 

Daughter: You are ridiculous. 

Son: What? I think of something, I say stuff. I can’t help it. 

Daughter: Procrastinator! You’re still talking instead of taking your turn. 

Son: So I can’t even defend myself if it’s my turn? Anyone can say whatever they want and I just have to take it? That seems unfair. 

Daughter: He’s stalling. 

Mother: You’re being quiet in all of this, dear. 

Father: …

Son: You guys are so purple.

Daughter: Purple?

Son: Yeah, super purple. 

Daughter: That doesn’t mean anything. I’ve never heard of calling someone purple. 

Son: That doesn’t make it untrue. 

Daughter: You’re making up words!

Mother: Ok, everyone stop. Gerald, what’s going on? Are you using code words with my son?

Father: Code Words? 

Daughter: That’s what this is?!? You two are cheating??

Son: See, this is what always happens on my turn, everyone starts arguing. 

Mother: Answer me, Gerald. 

Father: This is crazy, I have no idea what “purple” means. 

Daughter: I smell bullshit!

Father: Mel! 

Mother: This sounds like a big load of bullshit to me. 

Father: Unbelievable. 

Daughter: You two are unbelievable! 

Son: You’re scared! 

Daughter: Scared of cheaters? I don’t think so. 

Son: CHICKEN!!

Daughter: Cheater.

Son: BAWK! SQUAWK!  

Mother: Enough! Gerald, you say there is nothing to this purple thing, and I believe you. Let’s keep playing. Thomas, it’s still you’re turn. 

Son: Right… it’s just tough cause all I see is lavender. 

Daughter: Lavender?!?

Son: Red, I mean I see red!

Mother: Gerald!

Father: I didn’t do anything!

Son: I messed up, Jeez. I’m trying to concentrate.

Daughter: Trying to remember the cheat words!

Son: Stinky Mel!

Father: Can we please continue?

Son: Fine! Umm, let’s see… I might just do something out of the violet. 

Daughter: I’m done! 

Mother: I don’t know what kind of funny business is going on with you and you, but if it’s what I’m thinking, I’m ashamed. 

…

Son: It worked.

Father: Of course it did. 

Son: We were definitely gonna lose that game. 

Father: But we didn’t lose the game. 

Son: Cause they quit. 

Father: That’s right. 

Son: What did you call this idea again?

Father: You call it a nuclear option because in the end, no one wins. 

Son: Diabolical. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

​

​

​

Father: T is really excited about the birthday party this weekend.

Mother: Alex’s party. 

Father: Yeah. T was like ‘It’s gonna be dope’ or whatever.

Mother: I don’t like that kid.

Father: Alex?

Mother: Yes, he’s an asshole. 

Father: Hmmm, what kind of asshole?

Mother: On the field trip to the dinosaur park, he was bossing around all the kids. He was making fun of other school kids and disrespecting the staff…that typical entitled kid behavior.

Father: Awesome.

Mother: He may have stolen some things as well. I don’t know. 

Father: What do you mean?

Mother: I didn’t search him obviously. But I’ll say he’s a smooth talker. 

Father: ?

Mother: He acts polite and you know its an act, but he casually name drops his father all the time. 

Father: Who is?

Mother: Dan Longher. 

Father: The landscaping guy? With the ridiculous “Longher is Better” trucks and shit? 

Mother: That’s him.

Father: That guys a dick.

Mother: And his kid is an asshole. 

Father: Fuck! Does T like hang out with this kid?

Mother: I’m sure they see each other in school but he’s never been here and I’ve never brought Thomas to his house. He wasn’t really with Thomas or his friends on the field trip.

Father: But this party. 

Mother: From what Katherine told me, he invited everyone in the grade to his party at the movie theater. They rented the whole place. 

Father: Oh, ok. Maybe T doesn’t like this kid but is excited because he just wants to party and knows that assholes always throw down. 

Mother: We can only hope.